My last relationship ended Dec 30, 2004....she had only been dating me to stay close to her ex, who was dating a friend of mine that I spent a lot of time with at the time. Had a girlfriend a few years prior who I had nothing in common with...except sex....it ended because it wasn't enough sex for her...she cheated on me. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had things worked out with the 1st girl I dated from online. She was an absolutely gorgeous redhead who was sweet, intelligent, and easy to talk to...she also had muscular dystrophy and used a wheelchair. I didn't think that would be an issue but maybe the prospect of dating someone caused me to sabotage the date....talking about tennis and tailgating so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being punished for screwing that up. I knew after the date that I screwed up...hell, I think I knew during the date. Many years later, I emailed her...I had remembered her Yahoo handle and hoped she still checked that email address. I may have apologized after the date but I don't remember for sure. In my email, I thoroughly apologized to her...I wasn't being a jerk to her but thoughtless. The purpose of the email wasn't for a 2nd chance...this was over a decade later and even if it had been sooner, I don't think I would have deserved one. I just wanted to apologize and hoped she was well. She emailed me back to thank me...said she was in North Carolina and happily married with children. Sounds like things worked out for the best for her but there will probably always be a part of me that regrets my thoughtlessness,
My last encounter was in January 2007...we hooked up a couple of times but there was little connection between us. There was another girl a few years before her...don't recall exactly when...pretty much the same thing.
My last date...Labor Day 2011...with someone I thought was a good friend but may have wanted more until her mother found out about our age difference....or maybe she was playing me all along. I honestly don't know. It felt like a real friendship but given my history with women, the latter seems pretty likely.
Maybe this all stems from never having a good relationship with my mother...I don't know...but I usually get the worst from women I ever feel close to...there have been 3 that wrecked me so badly that I thought about ending my life at the time. The last time, in 2012, after the girl I had the date with in 2011 destroyed something I valued very deeply...the only thing that saved me was my boys...I couldn't leave Oreo and Derek without a father.
These days, as I approach 51, there's a part of me that hates being single...but the feelings I've felt from other women working to destroy my confidence and life....left scars too deep to ignore. There are a few women who I've thought about but one lives so far away and has been burnt as badly as I have....the other, I haven't seen in over a decade except on social media. Regardless, the scars remain
