just wish I could understand

in regards to Meghan,

• why did she act so screwy in front of her mom?
• what was with all the hot and cold treatment last November and December?
• why did she, after telling me warmly we'd "see each other again real soon," turn on me and decide to treat me like an enemy?

Before all that, she treated me better than anyone's ever treated me...I don't know when, if ever, I'll ever feel like I can let anyone in that close again...last summer when we seemed to be such good friends was a great feeling but in the last year, I've shed more tears than I had my entire first 40 years...negative definitely outweighs the positives.

Really feels like our friendship was all a game to her all along at this point.

Last year to this

Not fun...last summer was the best of my life...this has been the worst. Last September was great...missed out on meeting Dan Aykroyd before Wingfest but as I sit here on Labor Day, I can't help but look back at last year's Labor Day...nice lunch at Shores with great company...we both were all smiles the entire time...I wish I could go back to that time...don't think I would've done anything differently that day...but if I had done something differently later in the month, I might still be pretty happy like I was back then...instead of miserable like I am now.

Gotta admit

That was rough last night
especially in the 4th when my buzz wore off...I could tell it wore off because I could feel the tears starting to well up
Did my best to put on a brave face...only thing that helped me keep it together was the fact that most of the girls acted normal towards me
only one who didn't, who didn't seem to be able to look at me really, was the girl who was forced by the director to unfriend me pretty recently. When it happened, I knew it wasn't her choice...the last few years, I was the only one still involved with the squad regularly talking to her.
I think the girls this situation is toughest on is her and L.C...her for obvious reasons...I was rooting her on to try to return....and L.C. is probably the 2010 rookie I was closest to after Meghan...I remember the workshop when free Lasik was mentioned and we gave each other a look because she had gotten it recently.

Today..

was supposed to be the highlight of my summer :( Look forward to the Jills Golf Tourney as soon as I get the date...always lots of fun..but can't go and can't get an actual honest reason

Something people might not understand

I'm not one to go someplace I'm made to feel unwelcome

• When Meghan acted screwy in front of her mom, I stayed away until she told me she missed me and wanted to see me
• When Meghan was playing her hot and cold games, I could've very easily gone to Porter's Pub the night she cancelled the last lunch date we had scheduled but I didn't
• When she started with more head game and acting like she was mad at me just days after telling me "we'll see each other again real soon," I could've stopped in to Lagerhaus before a Bandits game but I didn't
• There were a few Jills appearances over the summer I might've showed up at but after their director told so many to unfriend me and told me that I would be treated as less than a fan, it would've killed me
• It's gonna be rough enough going to Bills games at all..I don't know how I can make my rounds with the Ambassadors the way I have for all these years the way things stand.

Keep getting told...

...things will get better...love to believe that but when? Why did they get to this point in the 1st place? Whatever happened to karma? I did everything right by Meghan and by the Jills...yet because of them, the last 3 months have been the worst of my life. If God has any mercy, He'll end my suffering somehow and soon.

Have to wonder

what drives a person to slander another? Do they get a special thrill out of it when the person they're slandering did nothing to them?
It's a sick world...but it's worse when people believe them :(

I'm sorry

don't have a clue what I did wrong...I didn't turn my back on a friend after she got cut...but apparently someone thinks I did something wrong

Who would you worry about more?

Someone who vents their pain and frustration on a blog?
Or
Someone who bottles it all up?

Personally, I'd be more worried about the person who bottles it up...if it's real intense, like mine has been, it could build up and explode

whoever said..

time heals all wounds never got turned on by the person who had treated him nicer than anyone else or lost the one thing that truly made him feel like he mattered.

starting off

Just trying to post something personal here....got played for a fool by someone who I thought was a friend. Worst part about it is that she's taken to lying about me behind my back.