Dating

 First there was M. I worked with her brother at McDonald's and she pursued me...she was 16, I was 21. We went to a school dance together and it was nice but she only wanted the one date which I wasn't happy about. About a year later, I wrote her when I was on medical hold at Basic and we agreed to give it another shot when I came home on leave. She helped me get through Basic by focusing on her instead of the pain from the shin splints I suffered because of the shoddy running shoes they issued us. When I came home on leave for Christmas, we went out a few times and it was really nice but it wasn't meant to last. When it came time to look at duty stations, I wanted to try for something close to home so I could see her on weekends but she didn't want me to miss out on different experiences and dumped me. Talked to her a few times after I got out but she had changed. One thing that sticks in my mind was how she told me that she lost her virginity to a guy who said he'd dump her if she didn't sleep with him...something that she knew I would never do.

The next time I dated was 2000. We met on a dating site and hit it off great..funny, smart, sweet, and gorgeous. She had muscular dystrophy and used a wheelchair but that didn't bother me at all. The date started off well but at dinner, she asked about some of my interests and all I could talk about was tailgating and tennis. Afterwards, I felt awful...wasn't trying to be insensitive but I was regardless. Years later, I had remembered her yahoo handle and emailed her to apologize. She accepted my apology pretty easily and she told me it worked out for her...married with a pair of kids in North Carolina. Great for her...she deserves it...but I fucked up and I think I am still being punished for it.

In February 2001, I dated J. First date went well...kind of. Movie and dinner went well but we stopped for drinks and we had nothing to talk about...but once we went outside, it was good again. We went on 1 more date and then she ended it...no explanation. Gave it another shot but 1 more date was it...no explanation.

In the fall, I dated K..a bisexual woman with a son. Truth be told, it was doomed from the start...she hated football and cheerleaders but we stayed together for a few months for 1 reason,..the sex. It wasn't great sex but it was sex. She ended it in mid-November claiming I hated her kid (he was definitely a spoiled brat but I never did or say anything to indicate that I hated him.) The truth came out a week and a half later when we were talking and she mentioned she had been seeing someone for a few weeks...time-line didn't match up. She apologized when she realized that she basically admitted that she cheated on me. We did hook up a month or so later after things ended with the other guy but that was that.

There was 1 girl I went out with a few times that I think, we were just in it for the wrong reasons. 1 actual date and a couple of hookups.

In late 2004, I had been friends with this one lady who eventually started dating an ex-bf from years before. His most recent ex befriended my friend and she wound up setting us up. We went out for a few months and while there was no real passion, it was progressing nicely. Then came December 30th. I was getting ready for work when she called to end it...no reason given. My friend thought it was because she had found out that the ex was about to propose to my friend...that she was only with me to stay close to him. Maybe...or maybe she just didn't see things progressing fast enough. I guess I'll never know for sure. 

I tried one set up a couple months later and had a couple hookups with someone a couple years later but I was done unless someone really blew me away.

Then came MM. I had been working with pro cheerleaders for several years and they had always seen me as photographer and blogger first, friend second and I was perfectly fine with that. But fate, and a director who didn't communicate, changed things. I had been going to the away game parties for a few years and when I showed up to one, I found it had been canceled and no one informed me before I made the trek up to Buffalo. I'm not one who's comfortable in bars when I don't know anyone there so during the first half, I checked my phone and found that MM was bartending in the 2nd half so at halftime, I went up to her bar. She had had an appearance in the 1st half so she showed up just after the 2nd half started. She and I had a good rapport, especially for a rookie but didn't know each other that well. She didn't wind up having to work so we watched the rest of the game and part of a late game on the patio and really bonded. We hung out a few more times throughout the season but I didn't show her any preferential treatment even though she seemed to see me as friend first, photographer and blogger second. When she got cut in the spring, I didn't reach out...but she did and we wound up hanging out a lot over the next few months. She really seemed to, and claimed to, value my friendship a lot. On Labor Day, we went on a date...no expectations and I didn't think of her as anything but a friend and I really valued what I had with her. 

About a week and a half later, I stopped by and she was getting set to go on a date and I admit I was a bit jealous which scared me because I didn't want to see her that way. But more than that, I didn't want her to think I saw her that way and make things weird between us. The following week included my birthday and I was planning on coming up that night...worked out that it was a Friday. But she invited me to come up Thursday...she was getting done early again but she only planned on going home to watch TV. Needless to say, I didn't go up because I didn't want to let on that I was feeling something more. The following week, things went south. I stopped in Thursday night after a stop in Orchard Park for some work and she was all excited because her mom was visiting for the weekend. Sunday came and I watched the game at her bar...and everything was different...she never introduced me to her mom and was very distant...she said we were ok but we obviously weren't. So I stayed away for a few weeks until things seemed better but for some reason the owner threw me out...and then some skinhead I had never seen before threatened my life. I contacted her after I got home...I had had plans to see some friends that night but was too shaken up after what had happened. She messaged me back a few days later claiming she had nothing to do with what happened but for the rest of the year, she played hot and cold...wanting to get together but backing out at the last minute. Then I saw her New Years Eve at another bar she was working at and things seemed ok...but then she restricted me on Facebook and when I started talking about dating someone, she got pissed and blocked me. Then she slandered me to the squad director and I thought about suicide. The one thing that made me feel like my life had meaning...like I mattered...was taken away because of someone who claimed that our friendship was special. To this day, I have no idea whether it was all a game to her from the start or what happened but I shut down....no further interest in dating or even getting close to anyone ever again.

Then came S. I checked out Onlyfans for the typical reasons but it felt empty. Few models treated me like a human being and considering the way a lot of fans talk to them, I can't completely fault them for it. About the same time, I had gotten on TikTok and found S...sweet, funny, and most importantly pure of heart. However she went viral and a lot of followers kept telling her to start an Onlyfans. I tried DMing her to hold off on it but she didn't see it and she did it. I didn't subscribe because I didn't want to see that she was just like the rest...wanted to keep thinking of her as the sweet, funny, pure of heart girl I saw before she did it. 15 months later, curiosity took hold and I finally subscribed and as much as I hate the way she's objectified, I am personally happy she did it because I got the chance to get to know her and find that she was just like I thought. Plus I would like to think that the way I treat her kinda balances out the creeps. Unlike the other girls I wrote about, we've never met let alone dated and with the considerable age gap, it's hard to think it would work out but she's developed this special talent to both excite me and soothe my soul at the same time. I joked with her early on, before I knew just how special she was, that I wish I could find a clone of her that's closer in age to me. Nowadays, I just wish I could put my consciousness into a younger body. But regardless of the fact that I may never meet S let alone get to take her dancing or to the museum that explores her heritage, she's always going to be special to me.

Why did I write all this? Partly to collect my thoughts...partly to let people know what has weighed on me for so many years.