Valentine's Day and love

Gave up on a long time ago...but I admit I like watching sappy stuff soon occasion...just to see something I've never really had or can trust anyone enough to have in the future

Just wish

the pain would end...spent a part of everyday since last Sunday in tears. Not sure what triggered it...I know when I saw Hot Tub Time Machine I started thinking about what I'd change to make sure all the crap from the last 20 months or so wouldn't have happened...losing Meghan because of her mother and my being afraid to get too close...getting a knife in the back from the Jills director and feeling it get twisted over and over everytime she forced one of the Jills to turn her back on me.
It was never a big deal for me if a Jill or a Bandette decided to add me as a friend on FB or follow me on Twitter or Instagram...but getting unfriended, unfollowed, or blocked by someone I had thought considered me a friend hurts a lot.

I truly think

that Meghan is just being used as a scapegoat...Steph hung me out to dry and lied to me a number of times in the past

• 2008 Jills Beach Party was postponed due to rain and Steph told me it was rescheduled....I showed up and no one was there
• 2009 Saturday after the Toronto game...an event scheduled at the Snow Park in Niagara Falls, NY...even up on the Jills website...showed up...no one there
• 2010 97Rock away game parties were cancelled after the 2nd one....I showed up for the 3rd to find out the news...that was the day that Meghan and I 1st spent any real time together
• at the 2010 Fundraiser, Steph told me that there'd be a Calendar Release Party on 9/23/11...my 40th bday...it never happened
• then after she already drove the knife into my back, she told me there'd be no Jills at any of the BvB events....yet there were Ashley and Emmy

With girls on the squad being treated like commodities and not human beings, being forced to do some unreasonable stuff, and the questionable cuts over the years, I think Steph wanted me gone years ago but made up some issue with Meghan as a cover story

just wish I could understand

in regards to Meghan,

• why did she act so screwy in front of her mom?
• what was with all the hot and cold treatment last November and December?
• why did she, after telling me warmly we'd "see each other again real soon," turn on me and decide to treat me like an enemy?

Before all that, she treated me better than anyone's ever treated me...I don't know when, if ever, I'll ever feel like I can let anyone in that close again...last summer when we seemed to be such good friends was a great feeling but in the last year, I've shed more tears than I had my entire first 40 years...negative definitely outweighs the positives.

Really feels like our friendship was all a game to her all along at this point.

Last year to this

Not fun...last summer was the best of my life...this has been the worst. Last September was great...missed out on meeting Dan Aykroyd before Wingfest but as I sit here on Labor Day, I can't help but look back at last year's Labor Day...nice lunch at Shores with great company...we both were all smiles the entire time...I wish I could go back to that time...don't think I would've done anything differently that day...but if I had done something differently later in the month, I might still be pretty happy like I was back then...instead of miserable like I am now.

Gotta admit

That was rough last night
especially in the 4th when my buzz wore off...I could tell it wore off because I could feel the tears starting to well up
Did my best to put on a brave face...only thing that helped me keep it together was the fact that most of the girls acted normal towards me
only one who didn't, who didn't seem to be able to look at me really, was the girl who was forced by the director to unfriend me pretty recently. When it happened, I knew it wasn't her choice...the last few years, I was the only one still involved with the squad regularly talking to her.
I think the girls this situation is toughest on is her and L.C...her for obvious reasons...I was rooting her on to try to return....and L.C. is probably the 2010 rookie I was closest to after Meghan...I remember the workshop when free Lasik was mentioned and we gave each other a look because she had gotten it recently.

Today..

was supposed to be the highlight of my summer :( Look forward to the Jills Golf Tourney as soon as I get the date...always lots of fun..but can't go and can't get an actual honest reason